this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
