I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
