when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
