I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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