dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
