I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
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My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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