My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
