The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
