Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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