Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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