I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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