he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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