I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
