I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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