She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
