Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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