The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
