Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions