Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.