Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard