do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If I die, sorry about rent.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
