Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
