if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
