And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
