The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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