Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
