I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
