in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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