fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
