if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
