Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
