Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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