just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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