Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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