we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
