u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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