Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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