Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
