Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
