remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
