I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy