Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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