I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
