I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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