Already got asked if we're dating
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
