I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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