pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
