Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
