I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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