the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
