i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
