hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
