You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
