The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
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So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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