I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
