So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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