I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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