i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
a search helicopter?!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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