Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
