If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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