Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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