It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
