The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
